Things for C are going well (and yes, I know I just tempted fate by blogging that but oh well). He has his ups and downs and every day is a challenge – and yet, he’s managing everything and compared to how things have been in the past things are good.For me I gauge that he’s having good days partially by if I think he is happy and partially by if I am receiving phone calls from school and the treatment centre about concerns or not. I have not been getting any calls lately and overall C seems happy.
What does that mean for me though? Does this mean that because I can tell people he is doing well that the same goes for me – that we are so entwined that his “good” day dictates that I have a good day? Cause let me tell you – his “good days” that I am SOOOO thankful for come at a HUGE cost to me. The patience and calm that must absolutely ooze out of every pour of my body in order to help him stay regulated. The work calls and tasks (yes I’m trying to do some contract work that allows me to mostly work from home) that I have to just drop, sometimes literally mid-call, to tend to his increasingly overwhelmed system.
We increased C’s time at his community school this week. I had held everyone off, including C, as long as I could. I knew in my gut he was as ready as he was going to be – and yet, I’ve been down this road before. Even good and happy and successful experiences can wreak havoc on C. I knew that the more time he spends at school, the more he will use up all of his reserves trying to act right and control himself. Then he will come home and be dysregulated. Funny though – even though you KNOW it’s going to happen there is no way to prepare fully.
So I’m doing my best to keep calm and to stay focused on what is important. It’s important to be there for my son and to help him to regulate. And I do see that it is taking less from me to help him do that. I am mindful that he has made huge progress.
What I don’t need are so called “professionals” who know absolutely nothing about attachment or therapeutic parenting or really anything about how to “handle” kids with anything other than threats and punishment – I don’t need those people making insinuations and assumptions about my parenting. Even more so I need to remind myself that I don’t care what they think – I know I am doing right by my son. I will pray that one day they will understand what we are trying to do. I will pray that they will reign in their harmful practices. I will pray that when they do one day realize how different their approach could have been that they will be able to forgive themselves because just as sure as I am that they are doing incredible harm I also know that their hearts are in the right place and they really believe they are doing good.