For Real?

So as you may know – because I have references it here a few times – when I was a teenager I spent a significant amount of time on the mental health wards of my area hospital.  It was a really tumultuous time and very often I didn’t think I would make it.

Fast forward to now. I’ve come to a place in my life where I am trying to make sense out of that time when I was 17. So I did what I have wanted to do for a very long time – I ordered my health records from the hospital.  A. was apprehensive about this move – what if I read the records and it launched me back into a depression. I understood his reservations but I felt confident that I could handle whatever was in those pages.

They arrived today. All 170 or so pages. I’m not gonna lie – it felt a little like Christmas. But it was a work day so I could only take a glance as I ate my lunch.  And do you know what stood out for me the most as I took those glances?

Patient is overweight

Patient is mild to moderately obese

Patient is morbidly obese

Ouch people. That hurts. Because I remember who I was and how I was back then. I was 170 pounds and had very poor self esteem. But what I wouldn’t give now to be 170 pounds!!! Why did every physician and social worker note make mention of my weight?

I think it’s horrible that so much time and energy went into my trying not to die and these so called professionals were passing judgements that had nothing to do with my depression at the time. I’m just glad I had no idea they were calling me morbidly obese behind my back.

This was a picture of me around that timeGr100001

This entry was posted in Depression, Finding a Balance, Sorting it Out. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to For Real?

  1. allison says:

    That is despicable on just so many levels! Unless you were in there for an eating disorder, your weight is irrelevant! Surely it’s noted somewhere with height, other than that (for dosages) it should not matter. I’m so glad you didn’t know at the time, and sorry you saw that now. Can’t help wondering if that would even be noted had you been male. Hugs.

  2. Lisa says:

    Ouch. Why oh why do they put so much emphasis on things like that when other issues are a matter of life and death. I’m sorry… That picture is just how I remember you — and you were cute!

    I read my in-patient psych files too once. It wasn’t pretty. I hope the rest of the file isn’t too hard to read.

    • mom2spiritedboys says:

      Thanks Lisa 🙂 I often think “If only I had realized how cute I was back then – maybe I would have had more fun!!” The rest of the file is interesting and enlightening, one doctor called me manipulative. lol. I was a desperately suicidal 17 year old but okay.

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