It’s the time between Christmas and New Year’s – time to purge and to start thinking of New Year resolutions. Well at least for other people. I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions because people inevitably give up on them after a short time and they become failures that weigh you down. I don’t do failure – if I don’t think I can succeed I just don’t do it – that is how I have always been. I am afraid to fail. But the weird thing is – I believe that to live life to its fullest you have to be willing to put yourself out there – to be willing to try and possibly fail.
So I am taking a big step. So close to New Year’s you can go ahead and call it a resolution if it makes you happier. At this point it is a confession
Say what? You already knew? oh
Say what? You’re mad that I am calling myself fat? oh friend lets not waste any more precious time in denial
My weight has been an issue since around the eighth grade – puberty gave me huge boobs and long legs but did nothing to address the shamed feelings I held about my body (totally topic for another post). As a teen I wasn’t obese (despite the notes in my hospital records) but I was always struggling with who I was and how I looked. But I put on a happy face and acted like I loved me, all of me.
Truth is I have not loved myself ever. Really. I came to this conclusion just the other day. I have never loved myself enough to take care of myself. I eat whatever I want whenever I want and I usually do so by telling myself that is what I NEED at the time. The truth of the matter is I have slowly been killing myself since my first attempt at 17 didn’t work. I have Type 2 Diabetes and bad knees. In 4 years I have put on 40 lbs. I see it in the pictures – I went from being overweight to being obese. Like I have trouble tying my shoes and one flight of stairs nearly kills me obese.
I ate McDonald’s today. I intend for it to be my last fast food meal for at least a month. I would love to say forever but I want to do this in a way that makes sense to me and will work.
I didn’t even enjoy it and I didn’t finish it.
I’ve never really done a diet and I don’t intend to start one now. I intend to start making choices everyday, throughout the day that will enhance my life and make me healthier. Nothing to eat for lunch – lets grab a salad and some nuts instead of fast food. Stairs or Elevator – Stairs! Need something from the store – walk! I know not everyday will be a great day but something has clicked deep inside me. I want to care for myself like only I can.
My name is Tina and I am learning to love myself.